He's gone.
Though I don't know exactly how I'm gonna understand the term "gone" - still... suprisingly... I shed some tears for you. Again. For this is the second time I've lost you. And this time around - it'd be for real.
I know this time will come. I thought it'd be fine with me. Pero hindi pala. That morning I heard the news, hindi agad nag-sink in sa akin yung nalaman ko. Akala ko yun lang yun. But I felt really bad when I was alone. Akala ko kaya ko. I cried. I cried damn hard kasi akala ko kaya kong hindi ka iyakan. Sa kabila ng lahat... damn! I cried!
Galit nga ba ako sayo? Hindi ko po alam. Pag naaalala ko ang lahat, hindi ko po mapigilan ang sarili kong sisihin ka. Bata pa lang ako nung iwan mo kami... nung iwan mo ko. I used to think, hindi big deal ang wala ka. But as I grow older, your absence became evident. Every "Mass Demonstration" or "Parents' Day" became a dreaded invitation for me year after year. Hindi ko maiwasan minsan ang mainggit sa ibang classmates ko... when they're nervous before a school presentation, they have "firm" hands to cling to... may nag-chi-cheer sa kanila in between dancing or singing... may nagpupunas ng pawis nila after. Although walang nag-aantay sa akin sa may gate after school hours, okay lang. Kasi sabi ko sarili ko, kailangan kong mag-aral mabuti para maipakita ko sayo, kahit wala ka, kaya kong makatapos ng pag-aaral. And I did.
Because of what you've done, I thought I'm bound to stay in the shadow of your memories. Akala ko magiging bato na ang puso ko. But then I fell in love. Damn hard. To someone like you... Umaamin ako. Nasuklam ako sayo. Sobra. You know why? Dahil ganito pala ang sakit na binigay mo kay Mama. Ganito pala ang nararamdaman ng mga nagmamahal sa taong tulad mo. I hate the situation! Sabi ko kasi sarili ko noon, I won't let the same thing to happen to me pero nangyari. Still, I gave myself in to someone like you! Damn! I hate myself then i just want to die!
Pero mali palang isipin yun. Lalong mali na gawin yun. Dahil hindi magbabago ang mundo just by taking my life away from me. It'd be so much unfair to the One who gave it to me. What I've been through really hurt, but people made me realize, inspite of everything, I can still make a difference. Without losing myself.
Alam nyo po... tama sila. Sayang. With this glass now between us, sayang hindi ko masasabi sa inyong tama sila. Hindi ko na namapapatunayan sa inyong kaya ko nga. Hindi ko na maipapakita sa inyo how time have changed everything. Hindi nyo na makikita kung ano ako ngayon...
Someone told me, you were looking for me. Bakit ngayon lang? Bakit ngayon nyo lang ako hinanap? Sayang talaga.
Napansin ko nga pala, hindi kayo nakangiti. Why? Well... pareho tayo. Kung di mo man nasabing mahal mo ko... meron din akong hindi nasabi sayo...
And that is to say, THANK YOU! I really wanna say thank you from the bottom of my heart. Maraming salamat po sa lahat - sa sakit, sa lungkot. For without them, wala ako kung saan man ako naroroon ngayon. Thank you for letting me experience all those things that I've been through dahil sa inyo. They made me stronger. Thank you din po for all the people that have come and go of my life. They inspired me to move on. And most of all - though you were not there in all the "Father's Day" that passed my lifetime, THANK YOU FOR MAKING ME THE PERSON THAT I AM TODAY!
One thing more... though we're not given the chance tell these words to each other - mahal ko po kayo... for no matter what... kahit ano pa man ang mangyari... lumipas man ang panahon... mag-iba man ang ikot ng mundo... you are and will always be my father.
If there's another thing na pinanghihinayangan ko... that is the time you'll gonna walk me to the altar - on my wedding day! Sabi ko kasi, sa kabila ng lahat, ikaw pa din ang gugustuhin kong maghatid sa akin. By simply walking me down the aisle, I'll let you know how happy I am for I've finally found the man who'll gonna take care of me and my children the way you never did. I'll make you realize that I'll never, ever, let that opportunity pass my children by to know how amazing this man I'll kneel down the altar with. That this man will never leave us. That this man is everything that you're not.
How I wish I'd hear you say... "Alagaan mo siya... kasi ako... hindi ko yun nagawa. So please take good care of my daughter..."
Sayang. But I know.. when that day comes... you'll still be there...
Till then.
But for now... all I can give are butterfly kisses.
